When your ‘baby’ becomes a big brother or sister

Becoming parents for a second time should be exciting for the parents and the toddler or older siblings. Preparing the baby’s room or space, gathering the clothes and the general preparation can be shared with your first born. But what happens when the green eyed monster starts to rear its’ head when your little one realises that they will have to share Mummy and Daddy.

Show and tell

Depending on the age of your child, telling them the good news before they hear it from someone else (or by listening into your conversations unexpectedly) can ensure that you are introducing the idea of a new baby in a planned way. Explain as much as you can about what is happening to the baby growing inside your body and what it will be like when it comes out. Some children might expect an instant playmate like their friend’s little brother or sister and be shocked when they realise all they have is a little bundle that does nothing but cry, feed and poo!

Books are a great way to help kids understand what’s going on. Your local library will have a variety of picture books about coping with emotions through to explaining what is happening inside of Mummy. Depending on your child’s age and interest, they may also find the weekly pregnancy emails which many websites offer an interesting and exciting way to participate in the development of their new brother or sister. Setting aside a time each week to read the update and view the pictures can be both a chance to spend quiet time together as well as learn more about their sibling’s development.

Reality bites

As much as you explain beforehand, the reality may hit hard. Your first child will probably feel displaced and put out by the new arrival. They may feel left out when everyone fusses over the “cute” baby and barely notices them, frustrated that they have to share parental attention, annoyed or upset by the baby’s cries, and confused by the changes to household arrangements.

The best thing you can do is offer extra cuddles and understanding. Try to maintain some of the old routines, and let your child know everyone finds it hard at times, but it won’t always be like this. Sometimes pulling together an album of their baby photos and talking about what happened when your older child was the same age can help them relate and take away some of the fear that your focus will always be on the new baby.

Getting involved

If there are some negative feelings, you can help diffuse these by emphasising the special role they play in being a “big” brother or sister. Even small children can help by bringing you a nappy or tissue when you are feeding or changing the baby. Creatively interpreting some of the baby’s gestures or facial expressions, e.g. “Look, she really likes you - she’s trying to reach out to you,” can make your older child feel included and wanted by the baby.

Many parents also buy a gift from the new baby to their big sibling. According to Michael Grose, one of Australia’s leading parenting educators, giving a big brother or sister a doll makes them feel special and also gives them a chance to emulate Mum while she is busy caring for the new baby. A realistic doll can be a good choice, as they often can do most things a real baby can do, including crying, squeaking, opening and closing her eyes, drinking from a bottle, wetting the nappy, and using the potty.

A realistic baby doll can provide a great opportunity for role-play and involvement. Asking your older child to replicate your activities with their doll is not only a good diversion, it ensures they feel included, lets mum and dad get on with the task at hand and creates an opportunity for everyone to spend time together. For example, an older child can sit next to his mother as she feeds the newborn, and “feed” their new “baby”. Nurturing dolls are just as relevant to young boys and girls, as gender doesn’t become an issue in play until a child is at least four years old.

Don’t push them

While older children can play a small role in helping with the new baby, don’t expect them to grow up too fast. Even the most caring brother or sister should not be expected to take on adult responsibilities, and this especially applies to nappy change and bath time. Babies can fall or drown in the time it takes you to wash your hands or answer the door, and siblings are easily distracted.

It’s also not a good idea to make big changes in your older child’s life, such as moving out of a cot or nursery, just as the new baby is due; they may feel they’ve been forced out by the new arrival. Try to make sure changes such as these take place well before the new baby comes.

Expect some adjustment period

Despite all your best efforts, some jealousy is bound to occur. Some children may also regress by unlearning toilet skills, using baby talk or throwing tantrums. Let your child know it’s okay to feel upset, and how to express those feelings in a safe way.

Share the love

Remind older siblings of how much you love them, and give them plenty of physical affection. Get out their baby photos and movies and reminisce - let them know you cared for them when they were a baby, just the same way as you’re caring for their new brother or sister. Encourage your older child to show the baby how to play with a new toy and praise them whenever they are gentle and caring. And when it’s feeding time, invite your older child to snuggle in close and enjoy a story or cuddle.

Our Kids on the Coast Facebook “likers” shared some fantastic suggestions that may help and remind you that you are not alone.

Katie When my daughter was born, my first son was 3 ½ and my second son was 2 ½. We explained during my pregnancy what was happening and when she was born my eldest was very helpful and caring of his little sister whereas my younger son wasn’t too sure for the first month or so. But now they both have a great bond with her and love to help mummy with her and play with her.

Melissa I have 2 ½ years between my girls & my oldest kept asking when we could take the baby back. She didn’t like me breastfeeding at all until I turned it into story time for her - she then started saying the baby was hungry so she could have a story!

Kelly There is 26 months between our boys and we found anything the eldest could do to help us made him feel involved and important. He would come with me to change a nappy and pass me the nappy and the wipes and then take the dirty nappy outside, just little things like that. They are good little friends now.

Joanne There is a 3 year gap between my two girls. My oldest was involved always. She always loved to feel the baby kick and move in my tummy and helped me organise the baby’s room. When she was born we had a present in the hospital bag already to go from baby to big sister. They are now close but they do have their moments!

Melanie Mine are 22 months apart and the best thing I did was put my daughter into her ‘big girl bed’ well before my baby came, rather than move her so baby could have the cot!

Amanda My advice is put nappies on backwards! My 19th month old boy used to take his off and pee on my feet when I was breastfeeding his new sister!

Angela I had a six year gap between my two eldest and the third, it was amazing - they are so engaged with her. It has opened their hearts more, they are kinder and sweeter... giving them roles to take on with the baby is a way to get them very involved and help create a strong bond

Kahlia I have almost 10 years gap! We made our 10 year old a part of everything. Ultrasounds, picking out nursery stuff etc. When we had the baby he was the first visitor and first one to cuddle and kiss him (so he thought) now at almost 2 and 12 they have lots of time together to read books or watch big brother play soccer. Sibling rivalry you ask?! Oh yeah master 2 doesn’t like big brother having cuddles with mum for too long or big brother knows exactly how to stir him up and start master 2 off into a screaming match! Ah the joys of parenthood..... You never seem to have it wrapped up.

Supattra I have 2 years and 9 months gap between my 2 boys. The elder one seemed to have “the first child syndrome” once he realised that I gave more attention to the little brother. However, they don’t seem to be able to live/play without each other now!

Sarah I have 2 ½yrs between my boys and 2yrs between my baby girl and my middle boy. I found talking to my boys about what was going to happen and what happened when they were born was a great bonding moment. My boys also came to my midwife appointments and got to hear her heartbeat. My belly was there for cuddles, kisses and raspberries. Both my boys have a special teddy so I let them pick one for Grace before she was born. And remember Mums can do anything, since my daughter came I have learnt that you can even bounce on the trampoline while breast feeding. Not recommended but you have to do what you have to do.

Deborah My daughter was 17 months when her twin brothers were born, she was (and still is) great with them, she always wanted to hold the bottles to feed them when they were newborns. As time went on and her brothers got older and were diagnosed with autism (they are now 4 ½), she is a great big sister to them and loves them to bits and is always trying to help them and play games with them.