DANNIELLE MILLER TALKS ABOUT MOTHERHOOD AND HER VISION FOR GIRLS
by Sandra Smith
When Dannielle Miller started her career as a teacher working with youth at risk in Sydney in 1992, she found that teenage girls were in crisis. She realised that binge drinking, eating disorders and self-hatred are widespread, and that girls often don’t have healthy coping skills. As a mother and an educator, Dannielle wanted to share her personal insights and strategies with others, and in 2003 she co- founded Enlighten Education, a program that helps girls reach their full potential. She and her team of presenters, including Queensland’s own Storm Greenhill-Brown, now work with thousands of teens across Australia and New Zealand.
Dannielle’s mission is to empower girls so they can become “bright, shiny adults”. As well as running workshops, blogging and making media appearances to talk about teen issues, Dannielle has written The Butterfly Effect, a guide to raising teenage girls. Dannielle says her love and empathy for all children is “large and hard to contain”, however her own family holds a special place in her heart.
Tell us about your family
I have a daughter Teyah, aged 11, and a son Kye, aged 9. I have been separated for about 18 months. I have a good relationship with my ex-husband, and we share custody of the children. My new partner, Gary, has a 15-year-old daughter Jazmine, who has lived with him full-time since she was around two years old. Gary and Jazmine will be moving in with my children and me in December. We are all very excited and counting the sleeps, particularly Jazmine, who is very close to me and thrilled to have a ‘Mum’ in her life. There are also two dogs, two rabbits and a turtle.
What do you love most about each of your children?
My children are all fine young people. They are not perfect, nor do I expect them to be. And they smell like heaven! There is nothing better than sneaking into your kids’ rooms late at night to inhale them. They are all incredibly funny, as is Gary, and laughter is a huge part of our household. We are all quite ridiculous really, and frankly, it is often a madhouse.
They also all have individual qualities I truly admire. Teyah is such a reliable, sensible girl. She always does her homework without even being asked, she never squabbles with her friends and she takes life’s dramas in her stride. She has met the Prime Minister, been on 60 Minutes with me, and hung with The Wiggles in the green room at Channel Nine. She never even looks in the least daunted and is always incredibly humble about all she has experienced and achieved.
Kye is a very affectionate little boy and would love nothing better than to hang in my bed every night getting snuggles until he is middle- aged. He is the kind of kid who, rather than spend his canteen money on an ice block, will save it all up and give it to the “poor kids who need it more”. I love his capacity to give.
Jaz is also a very affectionate girl and since the first time I met her, she has truly embraced me as part of her life and shows me how much she appreciates me every day. She will call me late at night just to tell me how much she enjoys having me in her life. How wonderful and rare is that? I admire Jaz’s capacity to actively seek and embrace joy.
Why is it important to be a good role model for your children?
Many parents need to look more closely at the example they might be setting for their kids. This is a huge opportunity rather than a huge burden, and we don’t have to pretend we are perfect, nor that we know everything. Rather, we can honestly try to work things out alongside our children and travel the road as partners in some respects.
Our children watch and listen, more than we realise. I make a conscious effort never to lament the ageing process or put my body down, nor do I engage in toxic talk about others. I also stopped drinking alcohol completely about five years ago. I had been a big drinker since my teens, and I stopped and thought about why I was choosing to wipe myself out, and what messages that might send to my children about managing stress and celebrating. In Australia, it seems to be wine with everything.
What’s been your biggest parenting challenge?
Separating from their father 18 months ago. My ex-husband and I had tried very hard to make things work and had sought counselling over the 13 years we were together. But ultimately, despite liking each other, we just could not get it together. Sitting the children down to tell them was heart-wrenching, but the fact that we were both calm and seemed united helped considerably. Initially the children seemed to cope very well, yet after about six months the novelty of changing homes and having to co-ordinate where books and clothes were, really got my son down, in particular. I am not sure we have really finished helping our children adjust, although we have certainly learned some lessons.
How did you resolve a recent family conflict?
Creating a blended family with my new partner and his daughter was initially tricky, as my daughter in particular seemed to see Jaz as a possible threat. I bought pet rabbits for the children and this really helped, as it gave them all, despite gender and age differences, something in common they had to work together to care for. Sadly, puppy Lucy chased the girls’ rabbits away, but this tragedy in itself was important for bonding, as the girls really shared their grief and consoled each other. There was much talk of how cruel life can be, and how loving something, or someone, involves risking losing them. I spoke to both girls about whether they really wanted to ‘risk their hearts’ and get new bunnies, as there would be no guarantees things would work out, and they both solemnly declared they did. I think all love is a risk, isn’t it? In hindsight, this was a hugely valuable lesson for them both.
What boundaries have you set for your children and why?As parents, we must remember we are not there to be our child’s best friend – they have plenty. We are there to set limits and provide consistency and safety. I don’t tolerate meanness towards each other. All kids will squabble and that is part of growing up, but if they step over the line and say something really nasty to each other, I step in every time. I explain that we all have the power to choose the words we use and they in turn have the power to shape others. Words can, and do, hurt.
Teyah would dearly love a Facebook profile, but I told her this is not something she can have until she starts high school. Although I trust her implicitly, she is simply not old enough to have to process all the complexities of this medium. Children can be more vulnerable to cyber bullying and to making mistakes about how they manage their privacy settings, which can mean they may be targeted by predators. I’d like to keep Teyah’s life less complex for a little longer.
What’s your favourite way to relax as a family?
Playing UNO or watching a DVD, although sadly it is a challenge sometimes to find a DVD that the whole family can watch. All the kids, even Jaz, like to pile into my bed on Sunday mornings and play ‘the Buckets’. You may recall in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the grandparents (the Bucket family) all slept in the same bed? The children love it when we are all squashed in and we chat away about life, the universe and everything.
Why are teenage girls in crisis and what are some of the challenges facing girls in the 21st century?
The research on teenage girls paints a fairly dark picture in many respects. They are performing academically and on the sporting field, yet behind closed doors girls are in trouble. One in 10 girls self-harm as a response to stress and anxiety, and teen girls are the biggest binge-drinking demographic in the country. About 94% of girls think they are less beautiful than the average girl, and 25% would like to change everything about their bodies. Up to 70% of adolescent girls will be on a diet at any one point in time, and girls as young as seven are being hospitalised for eating disorders. It is easy to feel powerless as a parent to make a difference, yet we are incredibly powerful and able to be powerful alternative voices.
How do you help your daughters with difficult issues?
I help the girls navigate the media and talk back to it. We discuss how images are manipulated through air brushing, lighting and so on, and I help them see past snazzy slogans. I encourage them to understand how advertising strives to manipulate us and creates an emotional response that will make us buy. The diet, fashion and beauty industries can all only exist if they make us feel inadequate. My little boy made us all laugh recently at Darling Harbour, when he stood in front of a billboard of a naked woman covered in chocolate (it was an ad for a hotel, believe it or not) and yelled out, “That is such an example of exploiting women and objectification!”
I also make a point of always recognising the girls as whole beings. If I tell them they are beautiful, for example, I will also add, “and funny, smart, kind” etc. It is okay to be physically attractive and to take pride in our appearance, but we must realise that is not the whole story nor is it really what will make us attractive to others long-term.
Dannielle’s favourite things
Rainy day activity
Videos, rabbit cuddling and reading. Teyah, Kye and I are all complete book worms and we would happily read 24/7.
Fine day activity
I’d love to say a picnic or a walk along the beach, but the kids often want to stay indoors and I am dragging them away from computer screens and iPads all day. We do all like the pool.
Holiday destination
My children and I did Disneyworld just before I separated from their father. It was an incredible experience for us all and I am truly grateful we had that time together. We still talk about it often.
Food
My cooking, which is truly average. My family is the most appreciate crew ever and to hear them rave, you’d think I was the next Masterchef.
Movie
Up, Finding Nemo.
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