Kids on the coast

Whatever the circumstances, the distress caused by loss is very real and very painful, and it’s a difficult time for the whole family. We see our children suffer as they process the painful feelings that follow loss, and we may be unsure how to help them. We may feel especially fragile and vulnerable at a time when our children need us most.

Many children feel shock, anger, hurt, guilt or sadness. Some will experience mood swings, lots of tears and loneliness. They may seem withdrawn and devoid of emotion, or they may regress and become clingy or fearful.

Sunshine Coast counsellor and arts therapist Juliette Kalifa advises us to pay attention to our children’s feelings and behaviour following bereavement. “If they change their eating pattern, if they start getting in trouble at school when they were not before, or they get really obnoxious at home – connect the things and try to understand what is happening for the child,” she says.
 
Young children may not speak about the death for a long time, but Juliette advises us to keep the lines of communication open and “not close the door to questions and to doubt”. We need to continue talking about the deceased person and we need to encourage our children to express their feelings.
“Being real” is important, says Juliette, as it gives children permission to express their own pain and sadness. “Sometimes people feel they want to protect their children, but I think they can interpret that as it’s not okay to feel,” she says.

Juliette, who has worked with grieving children at Bloomhill Cancer Help for the past eight years, believes it’s important for children to be able to ask questions, so they can understand what has happened. “Children are quite curious about things,” she explains. “They hear bits and pieces in their house and they can’t always make sense of it.”

As parents, we should take into account the child’s age and developmental level when we respond to questions about death. “Of course, if a teenager asks what happened, you will give a different explanation to a five-year-old,” Juliette says.

Well-meaning relatives and friends may use metaphors to describe death and by doing so, cover up the truth, but Juliette says this isn’t helpful for children. “People don’t realise that the child will need to unlearn that and may be confused by that,” Juliette says.
 
Euphemisms that romanticise death are deceptive or complicate the situation and are confusing for our children. If they believe their relative or friend has “gone to sleep” or “gone into the sky”, our children may be scared to go to sleep or they may be afraid of flying in a plane, in case they die too. “I think calling death and dying what it is, is really important,” Juliette explains. “It’s a part of a process of life that’s happened around them anyway. They see animals, they see things die and we don’t hide that from them. But of course, when we speak of death, we do it kindly.”
 
Everyone grieves in different ways – some children will become aggressive, some will have delayed reactions that take months to manifest and some will seem unaffected. Grieving children who are sad or angry may not eat or sleep well, so maintaining familiar routines at mealtimes and bedtime help children feel safe and secure.

When a loss occurs within the family, whether it is from death or divorce, our children are likely to blame themselves. The death of a loved one may also trigger the child’s fears that they or others who are close to them will die next, or they may mistakenly see death as a punishment for wrongdoing. If a parent dies, children need reassurance that the remaining parent is not likely to die in the near future, though they will die eventually. It is helpful if they understand that death is a natural part of the life cycle, just like birth, and everyone has to die eventually – no-one is immune from death.

Funerals are a way for family and friends to say goodbye to the person who has died. Explain honestly to your child what will happen at the funeral, invite questions and give your child freedom of choice on whether they attend or not. Juliette believes that attending the funeral is positive for children as it’s part of the cycle of life. “It’s sharing an important moment and yes, a lot of people will probably cry but that’s okay – there’s nothing wrong with that,” she explains gently. “It’s about being real.”

Some children may decide to attend and some may choose to just go to the get-together after the ceremony. Involve your children in the ceremony, if appropriate – they can help choose the flowers or write a goodbye letter or poem for the deceased person.

Losing a much-loved family pet is devastating for children and it may be your child’s first experience of death. Juliette explains that having a ceremony, perhaps in your garden, familiarises children with the process of death and honours their loss.

The healing process

Rituals help our children come to terms with grief and loss and they are an important part of the healing process after bereavement. The type of ritual depends on the family’s cultural background and religious beliefs. Juliette says rituals are especially helpful when the child expresses a need to reconnect with the deceased, and they strengthen the bond with that person.

“It can be as simple as having a photograph of the person and lighting a candle occasionally, or some people burn incense or just pick a flower or a leaf,” Juliette says. “You can sit around looking at photographs…and tell stories about the person and the things they did, or what they did together.”

Activities that celebrate a person’s life help children make the loss more concrete and facilitate family communication, as we find opportunities to talk about the deceased person with our children through this process. Grief can resurface at odd times and over a long period of time.

The deceased person should not just disappear out of your child’s life, and Juliette explains that if communication is open, the biography will be shared and the child will slowly develop an understanding of the person. “At different times you will talk about different things,” she says. “Some bond should be maintained.”

Through her work as a grief counsellor, Juliette often engages children in art therapy and she says this gives them an opportunity to say goodbye. “They can simply draw a picture of a time they remember with this person – where the child, for example, went to a movie with Grandad or went to the fair and had some rides, or played at the beach with Dad,” she says. Juliette finds sand play especially helpful for very young children who don’t have a lot of cognitive ability. “They can represent in play some of their experience,” she explains.

As parents, we may feel exhausted and overwhelmed by our own grief and we may not have the emotional resources to respond to our grieving children appropriately. If, as a parent, you feel you are not coping, reach out to a friend, relative or bereavement counsellor for help and support. As you learn to manage your own pain and loss, you will slowly be able to provide support for your child.

You may feel at first that your family life will never get back on track, but gradually you and your children will process the grief and loss and move onto a new stage, where you feel hope for the future and begin to enjoy life again.

Celebrating a life

Rituals and ceremonies are an important part of the healing process after bereavement, allowing children to release their feelings and move on. Suggested activities for your children include:

• Create a collage of photos and drawings.
The child can choose where to hang the artwork

• Construct a boat out of corks, or twigs and bark. Decorate with flowers, leaves or feathers and set it adrift on the river

• Plant sunflowers or a rose bush in the garden or in a special pot

• Draw a picture of a special day – it could be a trip to the beach or a picnic

• Write a poem or a song, a story or a letter for the person or pet

• Make a play and perform it for family

• Light a candle or incense in front of a favourite photograph

• Tell stories and share memories with family and friends

• Make a special Christmas decoration that they would love

• Start a scrap book containing stories, photos, drawings, pressed flowers and other reminders

• Create a memory box – include symbolic personal items like special jewellery, a favourite book or CD, awards, letters and cards

Coping with bereavement

Children respond to bereavement very differently according to their age and developmental level, explains Australian psychotherapist and author Dianne McKissop. The characteristics, typical grief responses and remedies are:

Age 2-4 – usually self-centred and think concretely, rather than conceptually. They may see death as personal abandonment. Provide love and support, keep to consistent routines and answer questions simply and honestly, making sure explanations are within the realm of the child’s understanding.

Age 4-7 – usually adventurous and exploratory, their language skills and autonomy are developing. They may feel personally responsible for the death, and they may feel distressed and confused, or they may regress. Some children react through aggressive play, denial or nightmares. They need reassurance and opportunities to express their feelings through talking, drawing, writing and playing.

Age 7-11 – more conceptual and logical thinkers, this age group is more able to mourn and understand the loss. They may regress, change eating and sleeping habits and withdraw from friends. Provide opportunities for physical activity, and allow children to express their feelings through play, stories and art.

Age 11-18 – capable of abstract thinking and conceptual understanding of death. They may deny their feelings, become depressed or angry. Be supportive, listen without judging and allow them to feel in control, while maintaining clear boundaries and structures. They may benefit from talking to people outside the family or joining a bereavement support group.
 
Children of all ages need lots of hugs, love and reassurance, and the comfort of familiar routines while they are grieving. Create security and understanding by listening to children’s concerns and responding to their questions honestly and openly.

Further reading

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine
by Diane Crossley and Kate Sheppard
This beautifully illustrated activity book aims to help children make sense of their experience by reflecting on the different aspects of their grief. At the same time, the book manages to find a balance between remembering the person who has died and having fun.

Passing On
by Mike Dumbleton and Terry Denton
This heartwarming picture book is a reminiscence of time with grandparents and how their lessons are passed on to the young.