Kids on the coast

When parenting-styles clash!

by Kim Lahey

It’s not the first time. And you have an inkling it won’t be the last. But glance sideways and you’ll find another mum or dad in the same territory. Because locking horns over parenting-styles tests even the strongest partnerships--often.

Never more-so than when the heat is on (aka: challenging behaviour from kids).

Battles aside for a moment: What’s seen as the pinnacle of parenting style?

Research places all bets on the warm and supportive parent-child relationship, just as it links over-controlling methods with behavioural problems. Kids raised with an authoritative parental-style - where parents are responsive and reasonable, but also demand high standards - tend to be happy and confident, with highly developed social skills.

Naturally, some parenting styles mesh well with particular kids – a gentle encouraging approach is seen as especially beneficial for shy reticent children, while a patient, assertive and firm (as well as warm and affectionate) approach works well for feisty, volatile kids.

But at the heart of any parenting-style lies the kind of connection you have with your child and your partner. Beyond the household clutter - rules about bedtime, TV, food and manners – it’s the emotional climate of the house. And it’s a house where difference of opinion about raising a family is standard fare.

Manager of Centacare’s marriage and relationship education unit in Melbourne, Denise Lacey, says style-differences are normal and can be worked out to make way for a happy relationship. “It’s about discussing values; what’s important to you as a mum and dad; what you want your child to say about you when they are 21.”

Born or made?

Our parenting styles are sculpted by the family we grow-up in. “By 16 our values, behaviours, attitudes and beliefs are created,” Denise explains. So if we want to work differently, we need to make a conscious decision not to repeat some of these early-learned behaviours.

If you came from a family that did a lot of yelling, you can make the decision to reject harshness. But when we’re under stress our first reaction is to yell, so we need to make a conscious decision not to repeat that, Denise says.

“Whatever it is you want to change, you need to be aware you’ll revert back to (those behaviours set by 16) when under stress,” Denise says.

Pairenting

“Before kids we both felt we’d have the same ideas about rules and chores. But ten years on, I’ve definitely become the softie while he is more like a boss of the kids. It’s a rut, it causes fights - I think we’d both like to be back to the middle,” says mother-of-three, Julie.

How couples connect as they make the transition to parenthood has a huge impact on their relationship, Denise says. And she sees this first-hand as manager of Centacare’s Bringing Baby Home program, which focuses on the relationship of the couple during the transition to parenthood.

“Couples co-parent better when they have done two things - maintained and continued to build their relationship and learned to manage conflict,” she says. This leads to better outcomes for the couple and for the baby, plus a much higher rate of father/baby connection. “Building their friendship means they talk on a day to day basis about what they did that day, likes and dislikes, what sort of things they are afraid of, their inner world,” Denise says.

Early on, it’s usually the mum who looks after the baby, and sharing the progress of the baby builds the relationship – especially in the first six to eight weeks, Denise explains. “Sharing gives permission for the guys to know more, even about things like pooey nappies because the neighbour won’t want to know, but he will!” she says. “Not holding back information means there is not one person with more power and control, so you both know what’s going on,” Denise says.

The Raising children network says backing each other up really eases the stress of managing children’s behaviour. And agreeing with each other (or agreeing and discussing it later) in front of children makes disciplining easier because they thrive when they see consistent rules. If one parent is softer or some rules only apply with one parent; they learn, pronto!

The network advises parents to agree on rules, rewards, and consequences in advance, then ‘check in’ with each other to see if a problem is already dealt with, to avoid contradicting each other. And simple emotional support can make a big difference – like just being there without being distracted. Parents are encouraged to share the good things about parenting as well as problems.

It’s also about the baby not being the most important part of your life, Denise says, quoting Dr John Gottman (renowned marriage and parenting researcher and creator of the Bringing Baby Home program) “The best gift you can give your child is a strong relationship between the two of you”.

Cool change

How conflict is resolved matters. Denise’s key advice about handling parental clashes is not to fall back into negative behaviour. “You have to, one, recognise the behaviour, then two, make a decision to do things differently,” Denise says.

You can choose to do things differently, like how you raise an issue. "You can raise an issue harshly (say by yelling 'you always leave the towels on the floor') or softly (by saying 'please hang the towels up because if they are left on the floor they won't dry'), Denise explains. The key difference between the 'harsh start-up' and the 'soft start-up' is that the soft start-up does not include blame. "Complain but don't blame," Denise says.

If you feel things are getting out of hand, you need to agree to time out, to come back to it. Repair work can include adding humour, going for a walk or looking at other ways to move on, Denise suggests.

Centacare’s group studies and research shows there is no difference in the level of conflict between successful and unsuccessful couples - the key finding is that the successful couples have a positive attitude to it and know it won’t undo their relationship.

It’s about the way the conflict is managed – successful couples tend to have a feeling they will get through it, Denise explains. “So if you are tired and cranky you can handle it, because you are thinking, ‘this is tough, but we can get through it’,” Denise says.

“But if you are thinking ‘it’s all his fault’, this is a danger sign,” she says. The four danger signs are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness and “if one or all of them are played out a lot in a relationship, it can destroy it,” Denise says.

But those who feel like it’s tough, but still feel like they are doing it together, succeed. Parents from one of Denise’s groups, who’ve been married over 10 years, and have just had their first baby, are finding it hard-going, particularly the sleep-deprivation. But “He works shift work then comes home and takes over with the baby so she can have a nap,” Denise says.

“They didn’t see themselves as doing well, but they were and that’s the key thing, people need positives,” Denise says.

Two-roof repair

Differing post-separation parenting-style and values might attract comparisons from the kids, like, “Mum would say I could” or “Dad’s place is more fun.”

But this difference is not the key problem.

Family Relationship Centre senior advisor and child consultant, Kerrie Anderson, says if parents have similar routines; that’s great, but if they are different, children manage well.

“Life-styles are so different and kids understand this – it’s just like when they go to Nanna’s and she has her rules,” says Kerrie, who runs Family Relationship Centre’s child-inclusive mediation program.

What children really struggle with is long-term conflict between parents, she says. “The research tells us this is the damaging aspect. But it also tells us kids are very resilient,” Kerrie explains.

And research also shows the intrinsic concern parents have for their children can reign, in the end.

If parents can make a psychological shift and let go of issues in the past, it is amazing what can be achieved, Kerrie says. “We have parents who’ve not seen each other face-to-face for years, and after mediation, they are smiling and joking and showing each other photos of the kids,” she says.

The most outstanding advice Kerrie could give to parents, is to seek help. “It’s difficult enough parenting anyway, parents often do have different parenting styles, and mediation can raise parents’ capacity to communicate,” Kerrie says.

Mediation is more than facilitated conversation, it’s a life-skill tool, Kerrie explains. “It’s future-focused, helping parents see past their differences to let go of the past, and helps them work with conflict.”

And it works! Kerrie is seeing more parents coming in asking for help and wanting to be positive and work well as parents despite their differences.

“We say to parents, ‘If you really want to put the kids first, remember how you felt when you had that newborn in your arms’,” Kerrie says. We help them get back to that goal after their crisis; we normalize it a lot and parents then soften, she explains.

After all, “kids just want peace,” she says. “They just want to be free to love both mum and dad.”

Tips for solving problems together *

• We can raise a problem for discussion with each other at any time

• Either of us can say ‘no’ if we don’t want to talk now, but will make another time (no more than a day later)

• If the discussion is getting heated, either of us can call for a break to calm down

• Problems will be raised at a good time and place. (Kids not in earshot,
  there are no competing demands like mealtime or phone calls, and we
  are both calm)

• We will try to listen so we understand what the other person is saying

• We will not raise conflict topics in front of other people

• If one of us has a problem, we both have a problem

You know your rules are working when:

• you can solve problems effectively

• both partners feel like they are working as a team

• the conflict does not cause lasting negative feelings like anger and resentment

• after the conflict, you’re able to reconnect and spend positive time together

*Source - Raising Children network (Adapted from Brief Therapy for Couples: Helping Partners Help Themselves).

Further reading:

www.fahcsia.gov.au - The Keys to Living Together kit provides useful tips, advice and ideas to enhance relationships. Each kit contains a DVD and mini magazine.

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting - An in-depth guide to helping kids with their emotions – includes simple five-step ‘emotion coaching’ parenting techniques.

For more information:

www.familyrelationships.gov.au – information about family relationship issues, ranging from building better relationships to dispute resolution. It includes useful tips for handling conflict. Family Relationship Advice Line. 1800 050 321 8am–8pm Monday to Friday. 10am–4pm Saturday (except national public holidays)

www.raisingchildren.net.au - Raising Children Network provides a relationship toolkit including tips on teamwork, handling conflict and backing each other up.