Kids on the coast

Despite a drop in recent years, a report collated by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) shows there were 47,963 divorces recorded in 2007 - almost 7000 more than in 1988. Of those, 49.3% involved children. That’s a lot of people navigating the treacherous waters of separation and shared parenting.

Shared Parenting

In 2006 several changes were introduced to the Family Law Act which went from a system which some say favoured the mother, to one where equal responsibility was preferred. Now, magistrates are instructed to “make decisions in the best interests of the child with primary consideration being to protect children from harm”. It is acknowledged that there is a “benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both parents, equal shared parental responsibility, substantial and significant time with each parent and time with significant others”. The Act now favours compulsory family dispute resolution and improved court processes.

On the surface, the shift towards shared parenting arrangements seems a good one aimed at ensuring both parents are involved in key aspects of the child’s life and share responsibility for the child along with time. However, when two people who don’t get along are involved, it comes with enormous challenges.
 
Sunshine Coast Family Relationship Centre manager James Morrissey stresses that shared parenting arrangements do not necessarily need to mean time shared equally between parents. Rather, a shared parenting arrangement is individual to each family and even if time is not split equally, other aspects of care can be adjusted so overall responsibility for parenting is shared. When making a commitment to share parenting arrangements he says “Parents need to consider the proximity of their residence to schools, after school activities and ensure their children have some basic belongings at each residence to make it their own space.”

“Both parents need to consider the impact of the arrangement on the children and communicate with the other parent to make it work.”
Likewise, Lifeline Sunshine Coast families program manager Rosalin Primrose cautions that “when the financial side of separation is addressed, the process can easily become about the money when parents really need to keep the focus on the kids in order to balance what they need”. Rosalin believes that parenting arrangements that share equal time between parents can work well in families where there is good communication and enough support for each parent to manage. Unfortunately those ex-couples that make it to court are seldom those who have good communication. Both James and Rosalin agree that shared parenting arrangements are challenging, and often more difficult for the children in situations where high levels of ongoing conflict between parents is present.

Refocussing anger and frustration

While all this parenting negotiation takes place, separating parents are trying to juggle negative, and sometimes overwhelming, emotions. One mum sees the changes as “confronting, challenging and also frightening at times. There is a level of anxiety and panic.”
“There is a certain amount of wanting to hold on to the past and wondering how love was not strong enough to get your family through?” she says, “In some ways it is a death of the relationship that needs to be grieved.”

Family Relationship Centres provide information and support to separating families and individuals. Services include family dispute resolution and referral to other appropriate services such as relationship counselling and legal advice services. A regular information session called ‘It’s for the Kids’ is held at the Sunshine Coast Family Relationship Centre and each member of the separating couple is encouraged to attend on different evenings. I sat in on one of these sessions recently and was struck by how it repeatedly and gently redirects parents from the common pitfalls of separation such as anger, conflict, blame and financial matters to focus on the priority – the children. Information is provided on the typical issues which arise and how things such as passing messages to the other parent through the child, blaming the other parent for lack of money, or refusing to acknowledge the other parent can affect the children. Parents are also provided with information about the stages they may go through following separation and the many different emotions they may experience. Family Relationship Centres in different areas offer similar programs and location specific information can be found at www.familyrelationships.gov.au
 
Family Dispute Resolution and Parenting Plans

Family dispute resolution is the process of mediation where both partners (either together or separately) meet with a family dispute resolution practitioner to talk about and negotiate arrangements. Generally it starts with an individual pre-mediation session and the aim of the negotiation is to take individual needs into account and to assist both parents to come to an arrangement which will work for them. Once both parents have voiced their needs, a parenting plan can be formulated to reflect the agreements reached.
 
Coming to an agreement with someone you may no longer trust is often a leap of faith, and some don’t manage to do this. However, the Family Relationship Centre believes it is worth a try. The resulting agreement is not legally enforceable but James says the completed parenting plan can be taken to court and formulated into a consent order which is then legally binding. “In a lot of cases a parenting plan, whilst not being a legal document itself, can be quite durable and have the capacity to work well for a lot of families in setting out how the arrangements around the children will work,” he says.

As a separating parent, it is important to acknowledge that this is a time of change and transition for you as well as your children. Even if you initiated the separation, the process is likely to bring up difficult or unexpected feelings. Small things may suddenly seem incredibly difficult or you may find yourself feeling irritable, angry or easily upset. It is important to remember that a new life is beginning and this may feel strange and unsettling. Try to maintain awareness of your feelings and allow some time for yourself as you adjust to the changes. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you are struggling. For more information visit www.familyrelationships.gov.au

I need help!

Sunshine Coast Family Relationship Centre: 5452 9700

Lifeline Family Dispute Resolution: 5452 9797

Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277 www.familyrelationships.gov.au

Family Relationship Advice Line: 1800 050 321

For more information: The Me and My Series is a range of booklets by the Child Support Agency containing detailed information for parents about many different aspects of separation. They are available free. Visit: www.csa.gov.au or phone: 131 272.