Kids on the coast

As the parent in this situation, we may feel that every other person present is staring right at us, mentally tut-tutting about our inability to ‘handle’ our child; a combination of powerlessness, guilt, anger and embarrassment. In actual fact, most people glancing our way are probably feeling sympathetic or simply glad they’re not in our shoes!

Parenting expert and author Dr. Harvey Karp (The Happiest Toddler On The Block, published by Random House) believes toddlers are like mini-Neanderthals, with primitive brains and limited language, who need help dealing with life in the 21st century. After all, what would happen if you took a caveman to K-mart and expected him to be quiet and well-behaved?

Put another way, the causes of toddler tantrums include:
• Frustration (especially if they don’t have the language skills to express their thoughts and emotions)
• Conflict between wanting ‘independence’ and wanting to be ‘babied’
• Not understanding what is required of them in new situations
• Tiredness / hunger

None of us PLANS to force a tired, hungry toddler to accompany us to the shops while we grab a few items for that night’s dinner. But of course, it’s when you’re having one of ‘those days’ that the dreaded shopping tantrum may very well occur.
Parent and Family Support Centre at the University of Queensland Director and founder of the Triple P Positive Parenting Program Professor Matt Sanders knows it can be a stressful situation. “The parent wants to stop the noise and take the attention away from both them and their child,” he says.

Unfortunately, common ways of dealing with the situation such as yelling, threatening, or ‘giving in’, send our child the message that we parents can’t control OUR emotions, and/or that whining and screaming are useful tactics for the child to try again next time.

If your child is having a ‘force 10 tantie in aisle five’, firstly, remember that YOU’RE in charge. Take a few deep breaths and mentally prepare yourself to go the distance, whether it takes five minutes or 15. Secondly, remind yourself that this isn’t a battle with your toddler; you’re guiding them, and teaching them how to manage and control difficult emotions.

Dr Karp recommends helping your toddler vocalise how they’re feeling, for example, “You feel sad” or “You feel angry!” This will often dampen down the intensity of their emotional frustration, allowing them to calm down. Get yourself down to your toddler’s eye level, and speak in a pleasant voice, in short sentences. Resist the temptation to lecture, as too much talking can make your child feel overwhelmed.

If necessary, go with your child to a nearby seat, or your car, to sit down quietly. (Sitting on the floor is uncomfortable, but very effective.) If you need to leave the store, but haven’t finished shopping, the service desk should be able to mind your trolley until you return. If your child is hitting or kicking, you can hold them and explain that they must stop hitting and calm down. Wait beside your child, without talking, until they’ve been quiet for about thirty seconds.

Preventing tantrums before they happen
Professor Sanders explains that there are ways to plan ahead, focussing not on stopping tantrums but on “teaching skills” – in other words, helping kids to develop positive behaviours. Even if things like sticker charts sound a bit over the top, “it will be well worth the extra effort to teach your child such a new skill when you both can later enjoy your shopping,” he says.

Top tips from the Triple P Positive Parenting Program

• Keep your child interested and active while shopping. “Try to get your child to find some items on the shelves, pass things to you, put them in the trolley, or spot different colours, shapes and sizes of items.”

• Help your toddler understand what’s expected of them. Plan a series of short “practice” shopping trips, spending only about five minutes in a shop. Before you leave home, tell your child where you’ll be going, what you’ll be buying and when you’ll be back.

• Decide on a few appropriate shopping behaviour rules and discuss them with your child. These rules might include: “Do as you’re asked”; “Walk, don’t run”; “Speak in a nice voice”; “Ask before you touch”; and “Stay close to Mum or Dad”. Get the children to recite the rules before entering the store. If your child doesn’t follow the rules, calmly remind them, telling them what you would like them to do instead.

• Since kids, like adults, respond well to positive behaviour reinforcement, give kids praise and/or a reward, such as a play in the park, if they’ve done well with their shopping behaviour. If the problems are persisting, try a more formal stamp (or sticker) based reward chart system. (Take the sticker sheet or a self-inking stamp with you, and praise them as well as giving them a stamp or sticker for each aisle they pass through without problems.) As they get better at achieving rewards, start to increase the number of stickers they need and then gradually phase out the system.
 
• Consequences for not following the rules should not involve removing stickers. Rather, use quiet time – telling your child to stand quietly in the aisle for about 30 seconds before resuming shopping. More serious ‘time outs’ can be done at home if needed.

Weird and wonderful tantrum busting tips
• Shop online

• Shop just after your kids have been fed

• Take your own drinks, snacks and books, and avoid the chips / sweets / toys aisles

• Give the kids an activity like “skip to the end of the aisle” or “find a label starting with S”

• Ignore the tantrum

• Get your child to breathe in and blow out slowly. If the tantrum has been relatively minor, and the child is young, give them a drink of water, calm them and/or distract them, and go on with your shopping.

• Sing loudly, talk about the latest political news, or throw yourself on the floor and show your toddler how it’s done, thereby hoping to confuse, shock or embarrass them into stopping

• Make comments like: “Look, everyone’s watching you. That man in the green shirt is watching you, and that lady with the blue bag is watching you”. This apparently has no effect on your toddler, but certainly makes any interested onlookers turn away quickly!

Further reading

Sixty Second Parent is a practical guide to raising two, three and four year olds. Packed with hands-on advice, it guides you through many of the difficult parts of parenting in a no-nonsense, conversational style. Each chapter is written by a different doctor or child behaviour expert and subjects like building routines, choosing appropriate media, and facing parenting challenges are all covered. Available online at www.sixtysecondparent.com