Kids on the coast

NEGOTIATING A STEP-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP
by Sandra Smith

You’ve met a special someone, and you’re getting along like a house on fire. You commit to the dream relationship, but as the initial rosy glow fades, you are faced with the stepchildren. They may be noisy toddlers or they may be angst-ridden teenagers. They may be angry or sad, scared or confused. They’re not emotionally connected to you, and in fact, you may struggle to connect with them on any level.

You discover that television’s cute blended family, the Brady Bunch, is a fantasy. Surprised, you find that the myth of the wicked stepmother and the villainous stepfather lives on, and you begin to feel stigmatised, insecure and isolated.

So how do you learn to cope with the role of step-parent, and how do you ensure that the stepfamily evolves into a warm, caring and secure household?

A time of transition

One in every five Australian families is now a stepfamily, as the traditional nuclear family changes and, for some, becoming a step- parent is a transition that evolves naturally after a new relationship begins. Queensland stepmum Julie says she started out as a friend to her new partner’s two children, aged four and six, and her relationship with the children gradually evolved over time.

“I was easily accepted because I was someone fun to be around and we had a good time together,” she says.

However, after Julie and her new partner had biological children of their own, she says the family dynamics changed and she had to “find a place for the stepchildren in that picture”.

“Like any family when a new sibling is born, you have all those issues around rivalry and jealousy, and the risk of over-indulging one over the other,” she explains. “It’s just constantly evolving.”

Julie admits that she doesn’t have the same bond with her stepchildren as she does with her three biological children, though she does love and respect them.

“I have a special, different, other relationship with them,” she says. “I am not their parent and I am not their friend. I am somewhere in between, and that’s a really nice place to be.”

It hasn’t all been plain sailing for Julie’s family, and special occasions like Christmas have been challenging, but she says they have created new family traditions that don’t focus on traditional celebrations.

They now enjoy an annual family camping trip at Easter when there is less pressure and expectation than Christmas (and therefore less likelihood of disappointment on other special occasions).

“We’ve found that just by being flexible and taking turns, it’s worked out okay,” she says.

Having different parenting styles can create conflict, and Julie relies on her husband to be the “conduit of communication” between her and the kids’ biological mum, so they can “work things out”.

“I’ve always been really careful to not overstep my boundaries and to never, ever offer parenting advice or criticise them in any way,” she says.

Julie says her family is far from perfect, but she believes that their issues are all very normal. Life is good for Julie and she embraces her large stepfamily and the chaos that it brings.

“With five kids and all the craziness and noise and mayhem and all the exciting stories and dramas that unfold, there’s never a dull moment,” she laughs.

When stepfamilies fall apart

When stepfamily relationships break down, vulnerable children are often caught in the middle of the conflict.

Queensland dad Simon says his parents divorced when he was two years old and he grew up with multiple step-parents, step-siblings and half-siblings.

“I had a lot of step-parents to juggle and changes in my life that I had no control over,” he says. “As a child you may appear to be coping with that, but it leaves a big mark that doesn’t go away.”

Simon acknowledges that some people do a great job of step-parenting, but his own childhood was a battlefield and he recalls that he had to grow up too fast.

“Managing all those relationships did become very complex,” he remembers. “My experiences as a stepchild have coloured my world view.”

Although he was never physically or emotionally abused, Simon felt that he became a pawn in the adult relationships, as their issues were projected onto him.

“They had a lot of growing up to do themselves,” he says. “Stepkids can become symbolic of other problems in the relationship, and it’s very easy for the people to get hung up on stepkid issues because they make a great scapegoat.”He says that adults believe their children’s resilience will protect them, but he warns that residual problems don’t just “go away” and children are affected for many years in the future.

“It’s really, really easy for parents to look at their kids’ outward appearances and assume that because those things all look okay, everything is okay,” he says. “The cracks in the relationships didn’t appear when we were little, it was more as we got older.”

Now happily married with children, Simon says his unstable childhood has motivated him to work hard on his own marriage, so it will stand the test of time.

“It makes you realise at a very early age that adults can be fallible and relationships are hard work and complex,” he says. “My wife has seen, through me, the damage that it causes. It certainly helps us to stay very committed in our relationship, so hopefully it’s not being dragged through another generation.”

Getting it right

The step-parent role comes without a job description, and there is often a melting pot of emotions and complex family relationships to deal with. So, how can step-parents get it right? The first step is to seek out information and develop a set of guidelines that will work for you and your stepfamily.

Relationship dynamics are complex for most stepfamilies, as they navigate a confusing array of ex-partners and new partners, biological children and stepchildren, and extended families. This places a lot of stress on step-parents, and often leaves children feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Try to accommodate and communicate with all members of each household, and show respect for everyone. Remember that a close, loving relationship with your stepchildren may not happen for many years.

Steve Martin, executive officer of Stepfamilies Australia, says that developing healthy relationships takes time, so new stepsiblings should receive support and understanding, not pressure to feel as though they have to love or like each other.

Be flexible

Christmas and special occasions can be a stressful time for stepfamilies, because problems are compounded by divided loyalties, competition and emotional upheaval. Add in extra complications like ex-spouses, custody agreements, multiple grandparents and financial strain, and it makes for a turbulent time, with children all too often caught in the middle.

Negotiate and create a shared vision. You can’t please everyone, but with flexibility, careful planning and realistic expectations, a compromise can be found. Maintain a strong couple bond and make joint decisions with your new partner.

Have realistic expectations

Don’t expect too much too soon, and don’t feel like a failure if the stepfamily is going through a rough patch. Your new stepfamily won’t be the same as any other family you’ve been in. Take a long-term view to problem-solving, because issues will continue to arise and evolve as children grow and the family changes.

Be sensitive to children’s feelings

Show sensitivity to children and their differing needs. Adolescents look for ‘space’, while younger children need reassurance and security. Remember that the children did not choose to be members of the new household, and they may feel a range of emotions, including sadness, jealousy and anger, when biological parents re-partner.

Find support

Ask for help along the way when you need it, from your partner, trusted friends and support networks. Learn more about stepfamilies by reading books, visiting websites and talking to other step-parents. Attend workshops and find out how other people have travelled this road.

Step-parents often don’t reach out for help, due to a fear of failure and family unit breakdown. They find that the dilemmas they face are difficult for friends and family to understand, and this can lead to lowered self-confidence and high levels of depression and anxiety.

Families Relationship Services Australia (FRSA) executive director Samantha Page says that stepfamilies can experience strong and sometimes unexpected emotions.

“Some family members may be struggling to work out strategies, rules and roles for getting along together,” she says. “Others may be resisting the change and struggling with feelings of dislocation.”

Stepchildren may also need support, as emotions that occurred during a marriage breakdown or the loss of a parent often resurface. Samantha says children’s feelings of dislocation or sadness may not be readily expressed and adults can be slower to recognise or respond to them.

“Children need space to talk about their feelings, concerns, fears and hopes,” she says. “Sometimes they might feel comfortable talking to their parents and step-parents, and other times they need to access other supports.”

Evolving as a family

Despite the challenges, many stepfamilies survive and evolve into strong, nurturing families where the children thrive. Over time, the initial confusion and fear of change is replaced by stability, acceptance and commitment, as each family member grows and adapts in his or her own unique way to the stepfamily dynamics.

Forming bonds with the stepchildren and finding new ways to parent won’t happen overnight, but the good news is that within five years

many stepfamilies have resolved their early problems and have settled into a constructive rhythm.

Sources: Stepfamilies Australia, Family Relationship Services Australia, and Margaret Howden’s Stepfamilies: Understanding and responding effectively a briefing paper developed for the Australian Family Relationships Clearing House.

Support Networks for Parents

Family Relationship Services Australia, Phone: 1800 050 321 or visit: www.familyrelationships.gov.au
Kids Helpline, Phone: 1800 55 1800 or visit: www.kidshelp.com.au
Lifeline, Phone: 13 11 14 
Men’s Line Australia, Phone: 1300 789 978 
Raising Children Network, Visit: www.raisingchildren.net.au 
Stepfamilies Australia, Visit: www.stepfamily.org.au

The Do’s and Don'ts of Step-parenting

Do

• Establish clear, open family boundaries
• Work as a team and make joint decisions with your new partner 
• Create physical space for children, even if they are part-time members of the household
• Show sensitivity to all the children and their differing needs
• Make separate time for original family members
• Be prepared to share your new partner with his or her biological children
• Plan rather than ‘let things happen’
• Take a long-term view and accept that solutions will evolve over time
• Show respect, gratitude and appreciation for all family members
• Have a big supply of goodwill to weather storms in the early years