by Maxine Arthur Kids start out with the upper hand when it comes to embarrassing behaviour – a screaming tantrum can send parents fleeing the supermarket with crimson cheeks. Gradually, however, parents get the hang of it so that by the time the kids are teenagers, pulling an album of baby photos off the shelf is enough to make them flee the room, friends in tow. Embarrassing your kids is part of being a parent, just as thinking your parents are embarrassing is part of being a kid. Most kids expect it, some even enjoy it, and most will eventually enjoy embarrassing their own kids. What’s more, they often pinch your best techniques.
Oh mum, I’m not a baby any more…
Round about the age of four or five when kids start at kindergarten and preschool the affectionate mothering that was acceptable in the privacy of home suddenly becomes embarrassing for some, (especially boys), in the wider world.
While some will tell you straight out if they feel embarrassed – “Don’t kiss me in front of my friends, it’s sooo… embarrassing,” others will communicate it in their body language. If you feel like you are hugging a porcupine at the school gate, he’s probably trying to tell you something.
Trying to find the right balance between the parental instinct to protect and nurture a child, and the desire to raise a strong, independent child, can be tricky. This sort of embarrassment is often unintentional and a caring parent will consider a child’s point of view. Often the solution is to agree on a more age-appropriate compromise that won’t make your child squirm. A wink or a quietly spoken word can say “I love you”, just as well as a hug. Maybe a kiss is fine when it’s just the family, but definitely not in front of his friends.
Where’s your sense of humour?
Learning to deal with embarrassment within a loving family can teach your children valuable life lessons in a fun way. They may groan at Mum’s weird dance moves or Dad’s off-key singing, but the message is that everyone likes to have fun – even parents.
Although Mum’s dress or hair style might be a bit scary, if she is happy being different, kids will (hopefully!) learn to laugh and accept it as part of Mum. They also learn that Mum is comfortable with herself. If Mum gives them a dodgy haircut, they learn that hair does eventually grow back and they still have friends.
Know when to draw the line
Of course, embarrassing your kids is only fun when it’s done with a light touch. Any hint of cruelty will erode trust in you and diminish a child’s self-esteem. Don’t let the feigned embarrassment trip over into genuine humiliation. Such things as discussing your child’s personal problems in front of others guarantees embarrassment. Respect your child’s right to privacy in sensitive matters.
An embarrassing business
Remember the days when you would have been mortified to be the only kid in school with a brown paper bag lunch in an era of new-age lunch boxes?
An American mum who used to write cute notes and jokes on her daughter’s lunch bags to cheer her up, has turned the idea into a thriving business. Kristi Thomas claims the bags were such a hit with her daughter’s school friends, she now produces brown paper lunch bags with notes and pictures printed on them. The bags say things like, “Shake off the Monday blues and put on those studyin’ shoes” or “It’s time for monkey business. Let’s have a barrel of fun.”Think the idea will catch on in Australia? Visit: www.lunchology.com
How do Sunshine Coast parents rate?It’s a scene played out in most households: Savannah 6, and Taylor Clifford 7, of Sippy Downs, have lots of stories to tell about dad David’s antics. The sisters enjoy telling how Dad clowns around, skipping down the supermarket aisles and hiding from Mum Xanthea. David likes to tease them good-naturedly about their ‘boyfriends’ and gets a rise out of the girls by playing jokes on them. Luckily, the girls seemed to think Dad is more fun than embarrassing. This age proves to be a bit of a cusp… just a little older and the story changes.
Collette Sargeant is a single mum to eight-year-old Amy, and 10-year-old Dale and embarrassment is now on Amy’s radar. Being addressed by one’s full name in a certain tone of voice is an alert to kids everywhere that something unpalatable is to follow and it puts Amy on alert.
“It’s embarrassing when mum calls me Amy Lee in public – people look at me,” Amy says. “Like when she says in front of my friends, ‘Amy Lee, brush that hair’.”
Amy thinks it is a bit embarrassing that her mum will only let her go to the park with an older friend, but she also understood her mum insists because she is worried Dale tells a story about when his mum lost her temper in public.
He and Amy started fighting over shirts they wanted and he says mum had had enough.
“Mum said, ‘No-one’s having a shirt’ and threw the shirts in the bin,” Dale said. As the shop assistant retrieved the shirts and stared at Collette, Dale murmured, “You embarrassed me mum.”
In the retelling, Collette doesn’t look repentant and the kids can see the funny side of it now.
Ethan Tuche 11, of Pacific Paradise has his own list of ‘embarrassing’ things parents Liz and Scott do. “When I’m standing at the school gate, mum says, ‘I love you Ethan’, in front of my friends.” His Dad’s exuberant sense of fun is also more than occasionally embarrassing, in Ethan’s eyes.
“He’s a bit embarrassing when he does the Washing Machine dance,” he says.
“He also plays his 80s music and he likes singing in the car.
“He makes this really annoying noise when we are in the supermarket. He puts on the Arnie voice from the Terminator.
“That’s really embarrassing.
“Dad gets over-excited at the movies sometimes and he laughs so loud, the other teenagers look at him,” Ethan said.
Scott looks entirely unperturbed as the list of his foibles grows. He adds his own observation that he used to be able to do the parental spit and lick face-wipe in public, but that is now on the banned list, along with public hugs and kisses. It is obvious from the banter that follows that mutual, good-natured teasing actually strengthens their family bonds. The only time Ethan looks genuinely embarrassed is when Liz and Scott voice their pride in Ethan. His head drops and mum and dad are told to“Shoosh”.
Just because you exist
If your kids think of you as occasionally embarrassing when they are in primary school, by the time they hit secondary school you have morphed into the most embarrassing parents on the planet. Not only can you not kiss or hug them in public, now you can’t even talk to them in public and can’t talk to their friends either.
No dancing, singing or telling jokes in public; no acting cool or dressing cool – act your age, which is ‘ancient’. And don’t even think about bringing out photos or videos of childhood days and the medals they won for dancing. (If you are really feeling mischievous, ask to be their Facebook friend, and note the horrified looks.)
UK kids sign contracts
This year, Chessington World of Adventures, a theme park 12km from London, conducted an online survey of the most embarrassing things parents did at the park. Over 1200 children responded and the park published the Top 10 most embarrassing parent behaviours. Then, just for fun, they drew up a parent contract for the children to download. Any parent breaking the contract by embarrassing their children at the park risks being thrown to the sharks! Visit: www.chessington.com
Further information
If your kids can’t stand your embarrassing behaviour, suggest they visit www.teenissues.co.uk . Resourceful teens have set up this self-help website dealing with teen issues, including the topic, Surviving Embarrassing Parents.
Further reading
For all those parents who have no intention of ‘acting their age’ and need fresh inspiration to up their ‘embarrassing parent’rating, help is at hand. The Encyclopedia of Immaturity, recently published by Scholastic Australia, is just what you need. You can learn to do the Lawnmower and other ridiculous dances. Dad can learn to play the armpit bagpipes and mum can make nice shrunken heads to decorate the table.
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