Kids on the coast

“Eight to 10 is the best age of all,” I have heard many parents remark and behind that benign comment seems to be an underlying worry that, their darling offspring will transform into a moody, hormonal stranger. I have to confess my child is in the age bracket where puberty is looming and I wonder what to expect, and how to cope.

Puberty (any time from 9-16) is a time of physical changes, emotional changes and a growing understanding of sexuality, many of which take place well before outward signs. So, what happens during this time, and how can you best support your child through this huge growth period?
Coping with physical changes

Remember how your body seemed like it didn’t belong to you when you were pregnant? Puberty has an equally extreme effect and it’s no wonder teens and pre-teens seem to spend much longer sleeping. Their bodies are working hard on the inside.

As a parent, tact is the order of the day because your teen might not talk about their experiences. Besides the easily noticeable changes, there are many smaller ones of which only they will be aware. Two thirds of boys, for instance, develop swelling and tenderness around their nipples which can last up to 18 months.

Hormones trigger embarrassing erections during the day (mortifying if they are talking to an attractive girl at the time) and sexual dreams at night leading to ejaculation (wet dreams). As their genitals grow, boys are sometimes concerned because, in most males, one testicle hangs lower than the other. The voice too, can cause embarrassment as it ‘cracks’. Alternating between sounding like a girl and a rugby player can be especially hard for those boys interested in singing or public speaking. Body odour appears with hormonal changes too, making this a time when hygiene becomes much more important for both boys and girls. A little reassurance can go a long way.

For girls the most major change is the onset of menstruation, but bodily changes start way before this milestone. In our last issue we talked about body image and, with the onset of puberty (or pre-puberty), this becomes a very real concern for girls. They start putting on weight in areas which have, up until then, been flat and straight. This can be worrying if they don’t know what to expect. Their hips will widen, and breasts will appear (my dad used to embarrass me by calling mine bee-stings!) Some girls experience lumps and tenderness while their breasts are growing and without reassurance they can think they are deformed.

Puberty in girls

• Hair growing under the arms and in the pubic area
• Skin changes, including pimples for some girls
• A growth spurt
• Some weight gain
• Hips get wider
• Breasts develop
• Menstruation begins (periods)
Ability to become pregnant once periods start
• Awareness of sexual feelings in the body
• Mood swings

Puberty in boys

• Voice changes or breaks, eventually becoming deeper
• Hair growing under arms and in the pubic area
• Facial hair growing – some boys will start shaving
• Pimples for some boys
• Growth spurt
• Shoulders and chest get broader
• Erections happen more often
• Sperm start being produced in the testicles
• Wet dreams can happen
• Awareness of sexual feelings in the body
• Mood swings

Emotional changes

As if all these physical changes weren’t enough to cause anxiety, the body ‘ups the ante’ with a rush of male or female hormones and the side effect can be extreme mood swings. This is what sends parents into a corner, cowering and wishing they could hibernate for a few years. It’s easily said, but it’s appropriate to try and remember your much-loved son or daughter is still inside that volatile body.

There are numerous books to help you through this challenging period. Perhaps one of the better ones is Surviving Adolescents by Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, one of Australia’s leading authorities on teenage behaviour. This down-to-earth manual covers areas like sexuality, risky behaviours, managing the stress, setting limits and other issues. For more information visit www.penguin.com.au

Sexual awareness

While physical changes are perhaps the most embarrassing for children to handle, it’s the sexual changes that can make parents uncomfortable, so right about now, you might be ready to flip the page and find something light and easy. But wait a moment… the most important part is coming up: how to best support your child as they emerge sexually from their childhood chrysalis.

As parents you might have discussed how you are going to broach the birds and bees with your kids. Maybe you have decided to come from a strictly anatomically correct version of sexual intercourse, or choose to focus more on the emotional side (they don’t call it `making love’ for nothing!). Perhaps you have decided the subject is too difficult and plan on letting school handle what you think of as ‘the icky bits’. Maybe you have particular family values and/or religious beliefs which you want to make sure you pass on to your children.
 
Whatever your approach, or lack thereof, your children WILL make the transition from child to adult – with or without any help from you, but experts believe these emerging sexual changes can be overwhelming for children if they are not properly supported.
 
Family Planning Queensland’s regional education coordinator Jo Stewart says preparing your child for these transitions well ahead can make it a much smoother ride. “Communicating about sexuality is an ongoing responsibility, not a one-off talk,” she says. “One or two lessons are not enough.”
While some parents are bombarded with questions and the only trick is finding the time to answer them, other children appear not to be interested and it can be hard to start a conversation on sexuality.

“A lot of parents have said to us that they get information about what’s going on in their children’s lives by listening to the kids in the back seat of the car,” Jo says, “I think that’s always a great opener and you can bring up these things later.”

Sexual orientation

One of the harder questions to answer is that of sexual orientation. When is it too soon to make kids aware of different lifestyles? How do you handle the subject if you think your child might be gay?

Advice from an expert can go a long way, and Samantha Howard-Van Beek is an expert on many levels. Sam runs her own family counselling practice in Brisbane and works for Relationships Australia. She is also a lesbian who struggled with sexual identity in her youth, and a mother of four young children.
When it comes to broaching sexuality with your kids, Sam says there’s a popular misconception that if you talk about these things your kids are more likely to go out and do them. “Actually research shows the opposite,” she says.

Sam says children need information and they need to be provided with appropriate answers. “It is also about parents broaching it so it doesn’t become taboo,” she says. If you don’t feel comfortable with the task yourself, she suggests thinking of someone else with whom they can have this discussion. “We have called on family to help [our eight year old] with questions about his body,” she says. “Some have been good about it and some have been freaked out by it.”

In her youth, Sam grappled with questions around her own sexuality. Although her family did not outwardly give the feeling that her orientation was a problem, she says their actions painted a different picture. “Parents lock into dreams of their children getting married and having kids one day,” she says. “That may or may not happen, which can create a conflict for a child who thinks they will disappoint their parents.” By waiting for their children to ‘come out’, she says parents risk losing connection and broaching the subject can make it easier for the child.

Sam believes encouraging a potentially gay child into traditional gender activities (like football or dance) when their inclination lies elsewhere, can cause them to build two different lives and juggling them can become quite stressful. “Their family might know them as one person but they have a whole other identity their family doesn’t know about,” she says. “If those identities clash it can be disastrous.” Sometimes, she adds, this even results in suicide
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Playground comments

Being different is a recipe for teasing at school: We all know how cruel the playground can be. So, how do you support your child through the pitfalls of other’s comments? With children developing physically at different rates, the last few years of primary school can be challenging for those early developers (who stand out from the rest) and those that lag behind (who are often teased for being ‘baby-like’). The most important thing you can give your child is reassurance but, if more is needed, most schools have an active anti-bullying program. If comments are negatively affecting your child, Sam suggests approaching the school.

Playground comments also hit hard when they refer to sexuality and Sam says anti-homophobia programs are less common. On top of that, the taunt “You’re/that’s so gay” has become almost a throw-away line. If your child is on the receiving end of such comments, Sam says it’s important to first determine if the comments are directed at them. If they are, she suggests finding out how they feel about it. Above all she believes honesty is the best policy. “Your kids are going to find out about sexuality. You have the opportunity to help them find out, or you let someone else do it.”

Through the ages, the transition from child to adult has been one marked with challenge for both the participant and the parent. Songs have been sung about it, books have been written and ceremonies conducted. Many of us approach this period with apprehension. Almost like a soldier heading for war, we hope courage will prevail in the face of adversity. Also like the soldier, the more prepared we are for the onslaught, the better the chance of getting through intact and the greater the chance our children will emerge from the chrysalis as well-rounded adults.

Further reading

The puberty book
Wendy Darvill and Kelsey Powell
Recommended by Family Planning Queensland, this new edition provides up-to-date information on all aspects of puberty and also includes a new chapter on mental health. Although some aspects of a young person’s mental health are mentioned throughout the book, the new chapter discusses these issues in more detail, addressing issues that may concern young people as they are growing up and experiencing puberty.

The ‘S’ Word, A boy’s guide to sex, puberty and growing up
James Roy, illustrated by Gus Gordon
Using humour and sensitivity, this book helps young men navigate the minefield between boyhood and manhood. It covers sex, puberty and relationships.
 
Puberty Girl
Shushann Movsession
Full of practical advice, this fun, colourful guide lets tweens know what to expect as their body changes. The author works as a psychotherapist, counsellor and trainer at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Sydney.

For more information:
 
Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800
 
The Hormone Factory (great website for kids and parents to go through together): www.thehormonefactory

Heath Insite (good information on puberty): www.healthinsite.gov.au

Family Planning Queensland: www.fpq.com.au. Brisbane: 3250 0240.Sunshine Coast: 5479 0755. Gold Coast: 5531 2636

PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays): Phone: 3017 1739 or visit: www.pflagaustralia.org.au

Samantha Howard-Van Beek, Resolve Matters: resolvematters@optusnet.com.au

Relationships Australia: Phone: 1300 364 277or visit: www.relationships.com.au

Kids Health (a great site where kids can find answers to their questions about their body changes): www.kidshealth.org