Kids on the coast

What happens when the next baby comes along?


by Karen Burton

The problem of brothers and sisters battling it out for their parents’ attention is as old as family life itself. Siblings are a great source of learning, companionship and comfort for children as they grow up, but they can also be a great source of frustration, anger and jealousy. All of that is perfectly normal and it can start the moment the second baby is born.

Queensland child psychologist Dr Louise Porter says she has a 100% solution to sibling rivalry: have one child. If this advice comes too late then don’t worry – there are a whole range of measures you can apply both before and after the birth of a new baby to help with the adjustment process.
 
“Don’t set the older child up by saying the baby’s going to be a playmate and don’t give the child extra responsibilities,” Dr Porter says. “Sometimes we build siblings up for failure by telling them their new brother or sister will be a playmate but babies aren’t very good at cricket. And we often say they will need to help out and that can be a bit scary for them especially if they are under three years.”

In her book Children are people too, Dr Porter suggests that before the new baby is born older kids should be realistically prepared for the changes it will bring. She says it’s a good idea to reassure them that you will still look after them even though you have another baby to care for as well.
“Let older children know that it’s okay to be angry and disappointed with the time the baby takes and it’s okay to let them know the parents are more tired than usual,” Dr Porter says. “Give them permission to have the negative feelings and that frees the child up to have the positive ones.
 
“We have to keep in mind that brothers and sisters don’t always get on in adult life so it’s entirely possible that the brothers and sisters aren’t going to be the best of friends. We have this romantic idea of families that are going to be close but it isn’t always like that,” she says.
Dr Porter believes that the difference in age, rather than personality, is a more likely predictor of how an older child will react to a new baby. “The trend today of having babies quite close in age (within 2½ years) is a problem for the next child up because they still need the same level of intensive care and they can feel abandoned,” she says.
 
The advantage of a small age gap, of course, is that the children are more likely to enjoy similar activities while growing up. They will be more compatible, but they will also be more competitive. If parents understand this phenomenon from the outset it can help. When the baby is taking up a lot of time, Dr Porter suggests telling the older child stories about how you used to do the same thing (feeding, nappy changing) for them when they were babies. This avoids giving them the impression that the baby is getting preferential treatment.

You should thank the older child when they are patient, and acknowledge negative feelings so they avoid turning into resentment. As far as possible, stay in charge of the family and in control of the changes the baby brings. “When the baby is taking a lot of energy (after a caesarean or a premature birth) you don’t have to have all the answers. All you have to say is ‘look, we haven’t got a complete solution yet but we’re working on one’,” Dr Porter says. “With so many mothers having post natal depression you have to account for the fact that older children will see that the baby’s birth has added extra stress to the family. Let children know that you’re still in executive control of the family and you are on top of finding a solution.”

Having a second baby is a thrilling, exciting and exhausting time in the life of a family. With a bit of planning you can smooth the way for your kids to develop the kind of relationship you want for them. As Dr Louise Porter points out, we have been having multiple children for millennia and the
human race has survived the trauma!

Beating the green-eyed monster
 
Most young children (and particularly toddlers) equate parents’ love with the amount of attention they get. They need to have this love demonstrated, not just talked about. The following tips could be helpful in preventing unnecessary jealousy:

• Make time for the older child and don’t always leave it until the baby is asleep. Quick reinforcements like a hug are easy to give and don’t need to interrupt the baby’s routine.

• Continue with one-on-one time when you can play or just be with your older child – some experts suggest a minimum of three half-hour periods a week where there are no interruptions from the baby.

• When your older child comes to the hospital for the first time after the birth, make sure you give her a big hug first, before introducing her to the new baby.

• When the baby is born make sure you get a gift for him to give to your older child, and the older child can choose a gift for the baby too.
 
• If family and friends plan on giving gifts to the new baby, ask them to bring something for the older child too. (You could have a secret stash of appropriate gifts in the cupboard in case people forget).

• If your toddler is still in the cot that you intend to use for the new baby move him into a bed a few months before the birth otherwise he may feel the baby has ‘stolen’ his cot.

• If a bedroom is to be shared, make sure that the older child knows which part of it is hers – and where she can keep her special things safe. If space is an issue, just one drawer can be enough to demonstrate that the older child’s need for privacy is being addressed.

Enough love for all

With your toddler, collect three candles: one to represent mum, one to represent the older child and one to represent the new baby. Safely light the ‘mum’ candle and explain that the flame shows your love burning brightly. Then get the ‘older child’ candle and light it from the ‘mum’ flame. Tell your child that you have given her all your love, but you still have all your love left (your candle is still burning brightly). Then use the ‘mum’ candle again to light the ‘new baby’ candle.

Tell your child that you have given the new baby all your love, and the older child all your love, and you still have all your love left. The message, of course, is that love is not something that you will ever run out of, so there’s no need to be jealous or worried.

For more information: There’s a house inside my mummy. By Giles Andreae and Vanesssa Cabban. 
This delightful book, with gentle humour, simple rhyme and friendly bright pictures is about a little boy’s wait for the birth of a new baby. “There’s a house inside my mummy, where my little brother grows, or maybe it’s my little sister no-one really knows...”