Kids on the coast

• Girls may like to be a flower girl. Boys may like to be a page boy or ring bearer
• Older children may like to read a poem or some prose 
• They may also like to write their own welcome letter to the parent who is joining their family
• They might like to sing as part of the ceremony or before or after the formalities
• If they are musicians they could play music for the bride’s arrival
• If not musical there is always the option of being in charge of the taped music
• They may like to hand out singing sheets or order of service leaflets
• Older children can welcome the guests and show them where to sit or stand
• At the reception they can be responsible for handing round the cake
• They may also like to open the gifts and display them

Making them feel special

• Include the children in your vows
• During the ceremony, perhaps after the rings have been exchanged, give a special gift to each of the children. This could be a piece of jewellery like a watch or bracelet
• Read out a letter you have written to the children reminding them publicly of your love for them as part of your new family
• Read a poem or piece of prose that depicts your new family, and love for your children
• Ensure the children have some input into the ceremony. This can be as simple as asking their advice about the dress, venue, or wedding breakfast
• Allow the children to choose their own wedding attire, even if it clashes with your ideas, as it is their day too
• Ask the children where they wish to be during the ceremony. Let them decide if they want to be with you or seated or standing nearby

Beck’s story

Beck was 16 when her mother married her stepfather. “Mum talked to us before she agreed to marry Corey, making sure we were happy to have him as part of our family,” she remembers. “Actually, my brother, sister and I all liked Corey when we first met him.” Beck believes this was because, “Corey was lovely from the start being nice and normal and did not try to impress us.”

Being the new person in the family can be difficult so it is best to be yourself, and not rush into being accepted. Allow the children to get to know you slowly, be interested in them and be an interesting person. “My aunt, sister and I were bridesmaids, and my sister and I made a speech welcoming Corey into the family,” Beck says. Her brother Ben was groomsman for Corey, and although only 13 at the time, felt very important. He and Corey have a very close relationship now.

John’s story

John was an only child, and the very much loved son of Julie and Peter. When he was 10 his parents divorced, and he was devastated. He lived with his mother, and visited his father every second weekend and Wednesday nights.

Julie talked to him alone before the announcement of her second marriage was made, seeking his permission to include Richard in the family. When his mother married Richard, who had no children, he was consulted on every aspect of the ceremony and enjoyed his role as page boy, and ring bearer. John said, “I was happy to share my mother with Richard, and today we enjoy an interest in rugby and cars, neither of which are of any interest to Mum.”

When his father Peter remarried it was very different. Peter’s partner Anne had been married before and had two sons. John at first resented sharing his father with these two older boys and Anne. The wedding was very small and the boys played a very minor role welcoming the guests at the church. It wasn’t until sometime later when John discovered the magnificent bikes Anne’s sons had, that the relationship among the boys began to improve. “I now have a good relationship with all four of ‘my parents’ and have two great older brothers, who may tease me at times, but are also a lot of fun,” John says.

Don’t know what to say?

Wedding vows should fit your own style and commitment. These, however, might give you a good starting point!

“(children’s names), I want you to know that I dearly love your mother/father. As you have so graciously shared this wonderful woman/ man with me, so will I share the love I feel for her/him with you.

Together, we will learn much more about each other. I promise also to be fair and to be honest, to be available for you as I am for your Mum/Dad, and in due time, to earn your love, respect and true friendship. I will not attempt to replace anyone, but be a friend, and I will cherish my life with all of you. On this day when I marry your Mum/Dad, we create a new family, and I promise to love and support you.”

The unity candle ceremony

Lighting a candle together has long been a traditional element of many marriages and this ceremony can be adjusted to include all new family members. Prepare a display with one large candle in the middle and smaller candles on the outside (one for each family member). The outside ones are lit and each family member takes theirs. Together they light the large candle while the celebrant recites: “The lighting of this candle represents the unity of this new family in which your lives will now shine as one”, or “As you light this candle and the flames become one, let this signify the blending of two families.”

Coloured sands

If candles aren’t your thing (or the kids are too young to handle fire) why not use coloured sands instead? Give each member of the new family their own colour sand. Taking turns, each family member pours their sand into a tall glass vase or shapely bottle. The resulting layers represent their individuality, but the vase represents their new family.

Tips for creating wedding vows:

• Don’t use vows that require kids to respond because they might be embarrassed or suffer stage fright 
• Don’t refer to yourself as their ‘new’ parent: this might cause animosity 
• Keep it basic and genuine

For more information:

Relationships Australia: www.relationships.com.au
Better Health Channel: www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au
Stepfamily Association of South Australia: www.stepfamily.org.au