Kids on the coast

by Justine Stewart

Whether it’s entering Prep or moving to a new school, change can be daunting but you can help kids successfully tackle the challenges involve.

Imagine moving to a new city, starting a new job, and meeting your prospective in-laws for the first time…all on the same day! If you get butterflies in the stomach just thinking about it, spare a thought for what your kids might be feeling in the lead-up to the start of a new school year.

When we think about some of the things we say in daily life about schools, teachers, and learning (“I hated school”, “I’m terrible at spelling”) and about how school is depicted on television and in the movies (a world full of bullies, scheming blondes and cranky teachers, apparently), is it any wonder kids might be anxious?

For some kids, even moving up a year level can create anxiety, and that goes double — or maybe squared — if they’re starting Prep or moving to a new school.

“Let’s face it, we all, myself included, feel anxious when starting something new,” says Elissa Seib, Principal Mentor at Sunshine Coast educational mentoring service Curious Kids Can.

And some kids (and adults) are genetically more predisposed to worry and anxiety, says Donna Farman, of Growing Early Childhood, also based on the Sunshine Coast: “Research tells us that one in five babies are born more sensitive. When babies are exposed to the Apgar testing in hospitals, one in five are more difficult to settle, even when cuddled by mum. A sensitive child will naturally be more cautious and take longer to settle in to new environments.”

Elissa says those questions that race through our minds when we’re doing anything for the first time, from starting a new job (“Will I be good enough? Will they like me?” Will I fit in””) to trying a new hairdresser or restaurant (“What if I don’t like it? How will I get there? Will I find a park?”) relate to our primal fear of failure and fluctuating self-esteem.

For anxious/sensitive kids, the questions about how they’ll cope with yelling teachers, harder schoolwork, changes in routine and peer groups and fear of loneliness or bullying can literally keep them awake at night.

“Anxiety tends to be worrying about past or future events, and bedtime is often when children will worry,” says Donna. “Their thoughts can become out of proportion to what is actually going to happen. This is an important time for parents or caregivers to be close by, to offer reassurance and also to explain what is ‘really‘ going to happen, as children will make their own assumptions due to not having the life experience,” she says.

But even kids who are normally quite confident can be anxious about starting school, or starting at a new school, because it’s a big step into the unknown. Parents may also feel nervous about how their kids will cope, or sad about them moving on to a new phase, and kids can pick up on these emotions.

“As the adult, being calm and positive will help your child’s transition,” Donna explains. “Even if you’re a bit upset or concerned for them, it will help them if you can put on a brave face.”

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

Donna says that in young children, the most obvious sign that your child isn’t confident about how they’re going to cope is separation anxiety: when your child is clinging to you, either literally or in a metaphorical sense by finding excuses to show and tell you “just one more thing”.

“Perfectionism can also sometimes be a sign a child is feeling anxious,” she says. “Having things ‘just right’, gives them a sense of power and control, however they can become quite obsessive and upset if things don’t appear to be ‘right’ in their mind. I have seen this even in a free activity like drawing, where an attempt at drawing a picture kept being scrunched up because it didn’t look right.”

There may be other sudden changes in behaviour. Kids may also show physical signs of anxiety such as being jittery or fidgety, nail-biting, not eating, talking extra quickly with their eyes wider than normal, being too loud/boisterious, complaining of stomach or headaches, or crying (even though they might say it’s about something else). Both Donna and Elissa say that the signs can vary from one child to another, and may also change depending on who else is around at the time.

“An anxious kid…may be quiet, withdrawn and reclusive at school, yet when they get home they may become obnoxious, aggressive, rude, disrespectful or may even exhibit bullying behaviours themselves with siblings at home,” explains Elissa.

Kids (and adults) suffering from anxiety are a little like those suffering from depression. As much as you might tell them to “snap out of it”, their anxiety causes them to focus only on what might go wrong, to the exclusion of all else.

BEFORE THE BIG DAY

Model positive thinking

“Research has shown that children who grow up in an environment where they have a close attachment with their primary caregivers, and also where the thinking is predominantly positive, they are more likely to cope with adversity, changes, and life’s ups and downs,” says Donna.

Elissa also emphasises the importance of modelling positive and confident behaviour.

This may be easier said than done for those of us who’ve grown up in households where gloomy comments about work, complaining about ‘bad luck’ and worrying ‘out loud’ were common. But it’s worth getting support we may need to do so, in order to break the generational cycle.

Make it special

Letting kids take part in getting ready for school may help them feel more in control. Let them choose pictures of things they like for the front of their books, pick out a lunch box in their favourite colour etc. Younger kids may like a laminated photo of the family or a pet they can keep in their pocket or their desk.

Try to eliminate some of the ‘unknowns’

Elissa Seib says many schools are now being proactive by organising class parties prior to the first day of school, which allow kids to familiarise themselves with the new classroom, eating areas, playgrounds and toilets, and more importantly meet their new teachers and classmates. “The class party effectively minimises the ‘overwhelming factor’ of the first day of school,” she says.

Even if your school hasn’t organised such an event, you can give kids a ‘walk-through’ rehearsal by visiting before the first day, if possible, so they know where to put their bags, where they’ll go to play, where the toilets are, etc. And if you know other kids attending the same school, “arrange a play date in the park or at your home so your child feels like they will know someone,” suggests Donna.

For anxious little ones, Donna also suggests giving the child some photos of the school, class, and teachers to look at beforehand. You could also visit the school’s website as well as physically visiting the school.

Reassure your child ahead of time about arrangements for getting home from school safely, where to wait for you in the afternoon, or where to go for after-school care.

Have rehearsals

For little kids, pretend play at home, role-playing situations like needing to use the toilet, opening up lunchboxes, and asking someone to play or sit with them can help kids become more comfortable with doing these things ‘in real life’.

Although they may feel awkward at first, even older kids can benefit from role-playing difficult situations like how to be assertive (rather than aggressive) if someone is being unpleasant. They can also practice responding in a positive way to a challenging situation.

It’s all in the timing…

Donna says it’s important to know your child and think about the right time frame to start preparing them. While some kids may benefit from having a calendar where they can mark off the sleeps, for others, starting this too far ahead may cause more anxiety.

ON THE DAY

Make sure you’ve organised all the necessary equipment and materials ahead of time and have them all named so that neither of you are stressed about this aspect of the preparations! Make a list of what you need and tick off each item with your child as you help them pack it into their bag.

Education Queensland also recommend a nutritious breakfast for sustained energy and concentration, being upbeat and positive, and talking through some simple self-help ideas like asking the teacher for help.

Being organised not only keeps you calm, it means you’re able to concentrate on spending some quality fun time with your child, says Donna Farman.

“Ahead of time, encourage your child to come up with a list of the happy things they like to think about or do. Then on the big day, get them to think about their happy things, and perhaps draw them too, as this helps direct them towards positive thoughts rather than the negative ones,” she suggests.

ONCE THE YEAR IS UNDERWAY

Elissa Seib says the earlier a rapport between parent, child, and teacher is established, the better, because then all three can work together to reduce anxiety levels.

She also suggests making a habit of taking an interest in your child’s day, either during afternoon tea or before going to bed. If you suspect something might be worrying them, try asking subtle questions that require more than a one-word answer, like “What did you do at lunchtime today?” or “What’s your teacher like?”, followed up by “How does that make you feel?”

You may be able to guide your child to seeing things in a more positive light. Helping them to come up with possible solutions is better than rushing in with all the answers yourself, as it gives them more of a sense of control. According to Elissa, learning how to ‘look on the bright side’ is the key to happiness and success at school.

IS SOMETHING ELSE THE MATTER?

Give your child time to settle in, but if you feel that their anxiety is overwhelming, it might be time to ask your school, doctor, or child health expert for more help. Anxiety is sometimes a symptom of other undiagnosed problems. It might be worth a health check to ensure your kids aren’t also dealing with:

• A learning disorder, speech or language disorder

• Being out of step socially with their peers due to immaturity/giftedness

• Physical discomfort (such as back or foot pain)

• Vision or hearing problems

SKILLS FOR LIFE

Whether or not your kids are especially anxious about school, Donna Farman recommends parents actively teach kids resilience and coping skills.

“It’s about setting kids up for success, rather than failure, by arming them with these skills and strategies in advance, rather than waiting until something goes wrong,” she says.

Sunshine Coast psychologist and alternative therapist Amberley Meredith says that kids, like adults, will naturally respond emotionally to some situations, and that the trick is to learn to recognise and identify these emotions. This is the first step to keeping strong feelings under control so they don’t become overwhelming and disabling.

Amberley teaches meditation techniques which can be practiced every day to help kids keep their anxiety at a manageable level. “It’s a bit like in Karate Kid where he learns moves through mundane tasks,” she explains. “Practising meditation daily helps you control emotions throughout the day when they arise.”

TELL ME A STORY

For young children, role-playing, reading positive stories about school, or telling stories using your child’s favourite toys as characters can help foster a happy and confident attitude towards school.

“Story telling is a powerful tool for young children,” says Donna Farman. “It gives them clues as to what they might be able to do in certain situations.

If you make the story about your child or their favourite character, it allows them to relate to the messages. These messages might include:

• It’s okay if you don’t know everything
• There are caring people around to help you
• It’s okay to make mistakes, because someone will show you what to do next time (often anxious or sensitive children are fearful of doing the wrong thing)

HELPING KIDS TO BE INDEPENDENT

Education Queensland recommends helping kids to feel more relaxed about school by giving them more chances to develop self-reliance and verbal confidence.

Help your child communicate effectively to:

• make his or her own needs known (I feel sick, I need to go the to toilet, may I have a drink of water, I have a question etc)

• use appropriate greetings

• respond appropriately when spoken to

Help your child get used to:

• putting on and doing up his or her shoes

• eating and drinking without help (checking that they can open and close lunchboxes, food containers, and drink bottles, unwrap school lunches and drink from water bubblers)

• caring for and putting away play things

• using a handkerchief or tissue

• using playground equipment safely

• carrying his or her own bag

• identifying his or her own belongings

Toilet training:

The occasional accident is normal in Prep-aged kids, and most schools will recommend you include a change of clothes at school or in your child’s bag just in case.

If your child is about to start Prep and toilet training hasn’t been successful, there are frequent accidents, or you have any other concerns, now’s the time to ask for help. Check with your doctor or call the free Child Health Line 1800 177 279 (toll free statewide). You can call 24 hours a day for confidential information and support by registered child nurses.

YUM! PACKING A GREAT SCHOOL LUNCH

All that learning is hard work, so by lunchtime they’ll be hungry and thirsty.

• Don’t overload them or leave them hungry – give healthy food and drink in realistic quantities

• Label morning tea and lunch separately for little kids

• Try a variety of smaller items rather than one or two large items

• Provide a water bottle every day

• Don’t give sweets, chips and other party food for lunch; save them for occasional treats (eg at parties) only

Stuck for lunch ideas? How about corn relish dip with fresh veggie sticks, lunchbox sushi or savoury fritters? Here are a few recipes thanks to 4Ingredients (www.4ingredients.com.au). Register on their website or Facebook page for more updates to keep you inspired.

Corn Relish Dip

MAKES 1 CUP

1 cup cream cheese

1 small jar of corn relish

Beat cheese until smooth, add corn relish. Serve with fresh carrot and celery sticks for dipping.

Lunchbox Sushi

SERVES 2 1⁄2 cucumber

4 slices various wholegrain bread

1 tbs. whole egg mayonnaise

1⁄2 mashed avocado

Remove crusts and, with a rolling pin, gently roll bread to flatten slightly. Along the middle of each slice spread a little mayonnaise and avocado. Place long, thin strips of cucumber on top and roll tightly. Cut in thirds, turn up and place into lunchbox for later. Other yummy fillings:

Cream cheese, salmon and thin slices of cucumber

Vegemite or Marmite and thin slices of cheese

Ham, cheese and finely shredded lettuce

Cottage cheese, thinly sliced carrot and sultanas

Peanut butter and thinly sliced carrot

Savoury Fritters

MAKES 10

1 pkt 2 minute chicken noodles

4 free range eggs, lightly beaten

2 shallots, finely chopped

rashers rindless bacon, chopped and lightly fried

Cook noodles (without flavouring) then drain. Combine noodles with flavour sachet, eggs, shallots and bacon. Place egg rings in a non­stick frying pan and spoon enough mixture to fill the ring, cook on both sides until golden.