Kids on the coast

Bullying is a problem as old as mankind, and bullying behaviour occurs across all age groups, in many workplaces and in many social relationships. But, as with all human behaviours, learning how to relate to others begins early in life. A belief in the unique and valuable contribution of every person to society needs to be modelled by adults and explicitly taught, first in the home and later reinforced at school and in the wider community. Everyone has the right to be safe, respected and included in our society, coupled with the responsibility to respect the rights of others.

Bullying is not about the occasional quarrel or fight between children of the same age, it’s a power struggle and it happens just as much between adults and children as peers. A child may be bullied because of his ethnicity, ability or disability, body size, physical appearance, sexuality or for no apparent reason at all.

The Australian Government’s National Crime Prevention Guide for Parents says bullying commonly begins when a child is “picked on” and not supported by others. It will continue if the children doing the bullying have little or no sympathy for the child they are hurting and if nobody stops them. In extreme cases, however, it can be dangerous to intervene and it is suggested that children are taught to inform an adult rather than try to stop the behaviour.

A 2009 Australian study of school bullying found that more than one in four students in Years 4-9 are being bullied every few weeks or more at school. Hurtful teasing and hurtful lies told about them are the most frequent bullying behaviours. Much of the bullying is covert – verbal, or via text messaging and internet social networking sites. This type of bullying is much harder for schools to detect or deal with than the overt physical bullying that many adults remember from their own school days, but bullying hurts, whether it is physical or psychological.

Far too many children have suffered bullying for years, feeling powerless to stop it and brushed off with advice from parents and teachers such as “It’s just part of growing up”, “Toughen up!” and “Just stand up to the bullies”. Bullying should never be trivialised because it can have serious long-term consequences.

Eight years after he dropped out of school, 23-year-old Russell Garrard of Sippy Downs is still haunted by the bullying he experienced at three Brisbane state schools, beginning in Year 1.

“Basically the bullying I experienced has destroyed my life,” he says.
“I have no successful friendships or ability to relate to others socially, I am nervous whenever I am meeting new people I don’t know or don’t know very well, I’m on a constant state of alert which leads to extreme exhaustion throughout the day, and it’s extremely mentally draining as well.
“Not to mention the fact that I was so suicidal due to the bullying and trauma that I was forced out of school in the middle of Year 10, leading to employers just binning my resume whenever I apply for a job I know I can successfully do.”

Russell has no idea why he was the target of a “constant barrage” of bullying, both physical and psychological. He sued the state government for post-traumatic stress resulting from the schoolyard bullying and won an out-of-court settlement. But that doesn’t erase the cumulative trauma of his childhood at the hands of school bullies. “I would sooner walk into a room full of tigers than a room full of people,” Russell says.
 
In the past, the courts have ruled that the standard of care owed by a teacher to a student is the same as the standard of care owed by a parent to a child. Schools are now encouraging students, teachers, carers and parents to recognise bullying behaviours and work together to help children who bully and children who are being bullied to learn to live and play together in positive ways.

Like many schools, Matthew Flinders Anglican School at Buderim has an anti bullying policy which sends a clear message that bullying will not be tolerated. The policy defines what bullying is, and the rights and responsibilities of students, staff and parents in relation to the issue. It has two aspects – prevention and management. When incidents of bullying occur, as they do in all schools from time to time, there is a clear management plan that is based on counselling the student engaging in bullying behaviour to reflect on their actions. In cases of severe or repeated bullying the school may institute a range of punitive measures including suspension.

Principal Anthony Vincent says the anti-bullying policy empowers students and holds all in the school community accountable for promoting a safe school environment

“Bullying is present in all schools. The best way is to confront and deal with it and be ready when issues arise,” he says.
Bystander behaviour has been found to have a significant effect on promoting or discouraging bullying. Anthony said that students who observed bullying behaviour are encouraged to use strategies such as saying, “Stop it. Don’t do it”. He says the ‘don’t dob’ culture is changing though boys are still less likely than girls to report being bullied.

The school anti-bullying policy has an emphasis on helping students who engage in bullying behaviour to make better choices. “That’s what we are about. We are helping them to become more thoughtful and to reflect on their behaviour,” he says.

Life Education Australia believes prevention is better than cure. Since 1979 it has been providing programs in state primary schools aimed at giving children the skills to confidently make sound decisions in social situations.

Life Education Queensland educator on the Sunshine Coast Shirley-Anne Blunt says that the issue of bullying is part of the senior primary program, starting in Year 4. The aim is to empower children by equipping them with strategies to deal with bullying and to help them build a support network they can turn to for help. “We work to build their self-esteem and self-confidence, to see bullying is not okay and they don’t have to put up with it,” Shirley says.

With internal and external programs such as these, the good news is support for children has improved since you were in school. Whether your child is suffering a bully, or IS a bully, the help is there to turn the situation around.

What can parents do to help a child being bullied?

1. If your child says they are being bullied listen carefully and sensitively. Gently encourage them to tell you what has upset them.

2. If you suspect your child is being bullied find opportunities to open up discussion. Use a television show or a book example to ask “What do you think of this?” and “Has this ever happened to you?” or a real life experience of someone in the family and how they dealt with it.

3. Let them know you are pleased they have told you, you believe them, it is not their fault and you are sorry they have been hurt.

4. Remind them that everyone has the right to feel safe, respected and included.

5. Take the problem seriously but don’t overreact. Don’t take any action until you really know what is going on.

6. When you have a clear picture of what is happening talk with your child about how they have tried to handle the situation. Only then, offer to work through some strategies with your child. (See the High Five strategy)

7. Strategies help your child build resilience and empower them to take action to stop the bullying. Help your child with a positive plan of action and don’t buy into the ‘victim mentality’.

8. If the bullying is physical or the strategies aren’t helping, encourage your child to tell their teacher about the bullying. Check with the school that your child has spoken to a staff member.

9. If the bullying continues, approach the school for help in resolving the problem. Resist the urge to contact other students or their parents. Ask the Principal about the school’s policy and practice on bullying and work with the school to ensure your child’s safety and well-being.

10. If the bullying is happening on the way to school, arrange for your child to travel with older children or take them yourself until the issue is resolved.

What can you do if your child is bullying?

1. Parents can be bullies too: Ensure that you are modelling tolerant, non-aggressive behaviour yourself.

2. Take it seriously. Young people who bully others often get into serious trouble later on. Work with the school to help your child learn better ways of relating to other children.

3. Keep the lines of communication open. Try to work out why the child is bullying. Do they feel hurt or powerless themselves? Do they lack the social skills to get on with others?

4. Challenge any excuses for the bullying behaviour. Don’t accept “It was only a bit of fun”.

5. Try to get your child to see the impact on the bullied child.

6. Encourage your child to develop their own moral code. Teach them to treat others as they want to be treated.

7. Use non-violent consequences such as loss of video game privileges in line with the seriousness of the incident. Do not resort to physical punishment as this may reinforce the behaviour. Limit exposure to violence in the media.

8. Reinforce your love for your child by giving time and lots of hugs!

The “High Five” strategy for dealing with bullies

1. Talk in a friendly way. Stay calm and give a light-hearted response.

2. Talk firmly. No smiling and a straightforward request to stop the behaviour.

3. Ignore the bully. Don’t give the reaction they are looking for, usually fear.

4. Walk away. Walk with or to other students and ‘buddy up’.

5. Report it to someone from your support network.


Need to know more?
Strategies to deal with bullies: www.breakthroughbullying.com.au

Australian schools national website on bullying: www.bullyingnoway.com.au

Tips for building resilience in children: www.apahelpcenter.org

Practical advice for parents on bullying: www.eduweb.vic.gov.au

Help for your child: www.kidshelp.com.au